I finally did what I wanted, and I’ll tell you … it’s been energizing for my business — internally, financially, ego-wise, everything.
But if you read that newsletter to me three years ago? I’d have punched you in the face. (Not really, but I definitely would have scoffed, secretly burning with resentment I could not explain.)
For big-picture business decisions, I stand by this as good advice, to pursue what you feel called to do, what your intuition tells you, where your passion lies, etc. Then follow it up with the logical or “data driven” to make it happen.
The problem is, of course, what do you do when you have zero sense of what you want? What then?
***
For most of my life, I was chronically unsure what my true desires were. I’d anxiously take every personality quiz known to man, extremely sure that an outside observer — however rudimentary — would be more right than I was about who I was, what I wanted, what was meant for me.
INFJ. Enneagram 4w5. Scorpio sun and cancer moon. Manifesting generator.
Chanted like prayer. This. Is. Who. I. Am.
This. Is. What. Someone. Like. Me. Would. Want.
***
I wish I could say that the shift to knowing what I want happened like a hammer shattering glass. A distinct before-and-after moment with a clear, singular cause.
Then I’d have some straightforward advice to share! Here’s your hammer, go nuts, I might say.
But it didn’t. It happened gradually, more like that peeling-the-onion metaphor, one paper-thin layer at a time.
In my therapy sessions, crying and shrugging cross-legged on the floor of my living room. In my journals, writing in terrible cursive to force my thoughts to slow down even more. During long walks, on the phone with my closest friends, realization pumping heat through my limbs.
More importantly — in the creeping bravery, taking one small risk, then another, then another.
***
For anyone reading this who can’t quite hear their intuition, has no clue what they truly want in business, and is scared they never will, know this:
Finding your intuition doesn’t feel like they say it does.
Not like you’ve found God in a closet. Not like yes yes yes. Not like a clear inner voice.
That all happens later. When you’ve practiced it. Gotten good at recognizing it. Then it does get louder. The experience of wanting can even take on a profound quality — I think more so if you’ve had a history of repressing it.
But those early times?
You’ll probably dismiss it.
- It could be a fleeting sense of envy attached to something more than money or status. Someone’s doing something and you want to do it too and you don’t even fully know why.
- It could be the thing you barely let yourself do because it doesn’t feel valuable or productive enough. Maybe it’s embarrassing. But when you’re feeling self-indulgent, you indulge and you enjoy it.
- It could be the thought that pops up again and again that you keep batting away because you’ve already, without even thinking about it, convinced yourself it’s stupid or bad or unachievable.
- It could be a casual want, like, “Hey, that sounds good to me.” Even though it seems so small, those tiny things you want lay the groundwork for the bigger intuition hits.
And here’s the hardest part: The creeping bravery, those small risks I mentioned, they have to start before you even take action.
You start with courageously considering that an embarrassing, silly, dumb little thought or desire could be … important. You start with daring to take yourself seriously.
***
After practicing this enough, I began to understand that something was right not because it fit with what “someone like me” would want, or because the reasons made sense to anyone else, or it was impressive, but because I recognized that glimmer of want in my chest.
Now, that glimmer has solidified and become stronger. It clangs like an iron church bell near my heart. I find it dang near impossible to ignore.
